Goodbye Justin

This weekend was a sad one.  I found out on Tuesday that my sweet friend from high school, Justin Dixon, had passed away.  Fucking Facebook, am I right?  I hardly ever get on FB and the one time I do, I see that.
It broke my heart.  Justin was such a good guy.  He always knew how to make me laugh.  Actually, he always knew how to make EVERYONE laugh and I hardly ever saw him feeling down so to hear that he had passed was CRAZY.  It also put a lot of things into perspective for me.  And after talking to John, I decided I wouldn't let the gap between my friends and me get even bigger than it is now.
After Justin's funeral, I went to lunch with John and Tim - two of Justin's closest friends.  It was great!  We had TONS of laughs and tried not to dwell on what we had just been through.  We kinda felt bad for having that much fun after a funeral but we knew that Justin would've been enjoying some laughs with us if he had been there.  He probably was hovering over us as we ate greasy burgers in our funeral garb and was laughing at some of the stupid shit we were saying.
And I realized something: my friends are HANDSOME.  I hate that it takes a funeral to see them in suits but, dammit, my friends are super handsome!  I felt the same way after Nate's funeral too.  It's a strange feeling because as I snuck glances over at Nate in his suit, it only amplified his handsomeness and it hit me that he had left this world too young.  The same with Justin.
Actually, my situation with Justin was a bit different because I was thrust into his mother's arms as we both cried over the loss and when opened my eyes, there he was - right under me in his formal Army uniform.  It was bizarre and almost traumatizing.  After I shared some words with his mom, I immediately went to the next room and cried.  I couldn't bring myself to be that close to Nate and yet, there I was hovering over Justin.  It was a strange feeling.
I still don't know the cause of death and what sucks is that I asked his mom what had happened after we hugged at his wake.  I couldn't help it - it just came out.  I guess we all say stupid shit when we're grief-stricken.
The lunch and conversation with John and Tim gave me lots of things to think about as far as where my life is headed and how I can make a change for the better.  I'm ready for a major change and I'm hoping that I'll be headed in the right direction because right now, I'm not happy with the way a lot of things are going for me...

And I hate that I had lost touch with Justin.  He was such a great, fun guy and I wish I had messaged him a little more on FB.  I plan on doing that with my friends now.  I want to check in every few months, or so, and see how everyone is doing because they've all had a major impact in my life and I can at least check in every once in a while.

We'll miss you, Justin.  I hope you and Nate are reconnecting and having fun together!

So Long and Good Night

I didn't know what to expect on Sunday evening at 6pm. I wasn't sure what I wanted to see. I know I wanted to see old friends and seek comfort in them - which I did very much so. I know I wanted to believe it wasn't real but he was right there. I was too scared and in shock to say a proper good bye right then and there but I managed to mumble a prayer before we sat down to pay our respects.
I held it together as best as I could in the presence of friends and loved ones but once I arrived at my Mom's house, I just couldn't hold back any longer. I knew it was my duty to go to the funeral service the next day.
So, on my way to see my Dad before he left I was looking for some music to ease my mind. I put in my favourite mixes but they just weren't good enough. I picked up a random CD I had made months ago and put it in, forgetting what was on it - the face was a sea of red sharpie cursive. It started okay but something compelled me to let track 4 play. I was glad I did. The melody was enough to comfort me but when I started hearing the lyrics, I got tears in my eyes.
With that song playing, I drove through the appropriate stormy weather to the funeral yesterday and got all caught up that I forgot my jacket and almost forgot my umbrella. To take my mid off of the actuality of it all, I pictured the Helena video in all its stylishness and beauty and pictured the choreography and I imagined my friends (who would be the pallbearers) walking through the rain while dancers followed them with the coffin to the hearse - a celebration of the life lived by the deceased.
But that didn't happen. The rain poured. And there we stood in it after the beautiful service.
So long and good night
Nate's sister told us, on Sunday, she wanted to get more of an investigation into his accident and it turns out that Fox 5 came to interview her after his funeral so maybe that's the first step into the on-going investigation. We'll see.
May you rest in peace, my friend.

Love,
Katzi
S.L.Y.A.S.D.I.