Wednesday, October 7, 2009

At a loss for words

I can't get myself to write this on his wall: "To me, you were always a big guy with an even bigger heart. I'll miss you".
I refuse to believe that he's gone. I was going to surprise him at his job tomorrow as a post-birthday outing with my friends... I guess some things weren't meant to happen.
The news hasn't released his name as the fatality of the accident so there's some hope it's not him, right?
I can't do this.
He was supposed to take me for a motorcycle ride - my very first one. Ever.
We've been friends since 1995 - I've seen him evolve over time. I was even subjected to his damn Rockabilly phase - which happened right after his damn Marilyn Manson phase...
When a mutual friend sent me the news link, I cried. Hard. I'm at work. I can barely function right now. I'm a total wreck.
And I don't care that it's my birthday. I just don't want to believe it's true.
I can't bring myself to admit it. I just want to make sure. I've been watching the news clips over and over just to make it more real but it won't hit me until they release his name. I refuse to believe he was the 27 year old motorcyclist (even though I know full well that he lives in that area...).
If he really is gone, he can hear me. He can hear the sadness and disbelief we're all going through. I want some sort of sign. Something that just he and I will know - some sort of inside joke from high school or something...Something to let me know

Rest In Peace, Nate